Deep Thoughts.

I have been married over a year and still deal with unexpected emotions, expectations, and pressures on an almost daily basis. I do most of this to myself. I am a rather contradictory person. I believe in myself whole-heartedly, but I don't take chances. I know I'd be good at so many things (jobs, hobbies, etc.), but I don't have the balls to put myself out there and try. I let what others think of me bother me to a point that I am not comfortable with. I long to have meaningful friendships that feel more like family than friends, but I cannot seem to pick up the phone and call people. I always feel like the conversation is awkward and that I've lost my "touch" when it comes to friendships. It's like I am out of practice. I have resigned myself to the fact that I won't make friends in Louisiana. Now, I hope I am wrong, but I set my expectations low so I'm not disappointed. I learned at some point that people could really hurt me with their words and actions, so I generally don't let people get too close. I've always leaned heavily on my family and now Brian as well.

Today I was talking to Mom about my personal future. Since I graduated almost a year ago, I have felt with each passing day like more and more people were looking at me and judging me for not working and/or not continuing my education. I knew darn well that I had good reasons for both decisions and I knew that my husband fully supported me, but I still let my perceptions of others' thoughts affect my psyche. It is a known fact that my mom's opinions have major power over me. I'm not dependant on her in unhealthy ways, but her support or lack of support in my decision to put off grad school (and in anything else) would weigh heavily on my heart. I felt like she was disappointed in me for doing nothing for this year and so I in turn beat myself up for it even though I could not begin grad school right now anyway. I refuse to go in town because the only school here offering the Master's program I need is private and therefore ridiculously expensive. Plus, I knew when Brian returned I'd be moving to Louisiana and I can't transfer in the middle of my Master's. Getting my Master's is going to take two full years so I need to be in a place that I can devote two years to my education. It's all kind of screwy, but it got me to thinking about and researching schools again. I found a possibility, but it will be a big money and time commitment for both Brian and me.

With every boyfriend I have ever had, I have pictured what my future life with him would be like. The picture I painted was generally a mixture of the house I grew up in and the life my parents led with the individual quirks of both me and whoever the guy was. I realized today (and I guess I always knew, but had never really thought about it) that my marriage and life is not going to be my parents' marriage and life. I know there are memories that are precious to me from my childhood that I want to recreate with my own children, but I will also create my own traditions and memories that are totally separate and unique to my family. There isn't a guidebook.

My entire life I have done what I am "supposed" to do. I went to school for 13 years and graduated at the top of my class. I took honors classes and sang in choir. I got my driver's license at 16 and attended my senior prom. I went to college for 4 years and changed my major once. I had a series of relationships - good and bad. I moved out of my parents house and lived with roommates. Now, I am suddenly completely in charge of my destiny with no directions to follow whatsoever. The options for my life after college are endless. I'm not sure I know what to do without someone else deciding for me. Some people think I should work. Some people think I should go back to school. Some people think I should stay home and be a housewife while I can. There are a million different schools of thought on what is "best". The truth is that there isn't a "best". There is only what is best for me. I've got to start taking responsibility for myself and my own life.

I really think that once I am away from this town that has shaped who I am that I will mature more than I can imagine. I'm excited to see what kind of woman I become in my own house with my wonderful husband and my adorable gigantic dog. I'm a little scared too.

S.