I had a total meltdown Wednesday morning. Tears. Snot. The whole nine yards. I took a long, hot shower, got dressed and hit up the food court for some BK fries and a Starbucks iced coffee. Somewhere in there I made myself put on my big girl panties and resolved to deal with it.
Things aren't so easy around here right now. I'm trying to pack up our entire life and my overly organized mind thinks and re-thinks (and then re-thinks some more) every single decision. What goes in storage here? What gets stored at my parents' house? Should I pack room-by-room or should like-items go together? What can go in the storage unit now and what needs to go at the last minute? When should the mattress go and the air mattress come in?
Besides the packing stress I'm dealing with the simple fact that Brian is leaving. Again. This time I'll be here til the bitter end. Last time I wasn't living here. I came, visited and went right back home. The last week before he hopped on that plane to sand-land we were already separated. I never went to the deployment ceremony and I wasn't there to say goodbye at the very end. This time I will be. I'm scared.
Also, his deployment window changed. It got moved by a good couple weeks. My parents had already taken time off from work and planned to come help me clear housing and move back home based on the first set of dates. My parents are still coming when they were originally so I'll be clearing housing all by myself. It will be up to me to make sure the house is clean and everything left that I own is packed in the truck - including the dog. I know I can do it and there's something empowering about getting it done on my own, but I still sorta wish I didn't have to.
I have often felt stuck since moving here. When I graduated from college, my life sorta lost forward momentum. I thought I could jump into Army life and find my purpose there. It never happened. For almost 2 years I've lived in the middle of nowhere, 8 hours from family, no friends to speak of, no chance of continuing my education and only working a handful of hours. I need more than that. I need school or a job or friends.
Things are about to change for me. Hopefully I can find a bit of my identity in those changes. I've applied to grad school and think they'd be fools to not accept me. I plan to work and/or volunteer while I'm home. No moping around the house while getting nothing accomplished like the last deployment. I'm looking forward to finding out where we'll be stationed next. I'm ready for all the change that's coming. That doesn't make it any less scary. And in the meantime, I have to do a lot of sitting and waiting. Waiting to hear about grad school. Waiting for Brian to leave. Waiting to get out of LA and back to TX. Sometimes it's suffocating.
For now I'll focus on small victories like weekend getaways at the lake, Starbucks iced coffees, BK fries and my sweet puppy dog's face.
Have a good weekend everybody! :)
