Remember back in the fall when I went on and on and on and on about high school football?? My old high school in particular??
Remember when I got into grad school?
Well, as you know, my classes started last week. I quickly found out I would need 30 observation hours in a high school math classroom. After a bunch of running around and pulling strings...
I am observing at my old high school.
In a classroom with 11th and 12th graders...learning algebra 2 and math models. So it's not the genius kids I'll be seeing. I can't help but wonder how many guys I'll recognize from obsessively keeping up with football in the fall.
So many times I find myself writing a blog post in my head, but then I get home or get caught up in something and I just never sit down to write. Hopefully some of you are still reading!
School has more or less taken over. It's not hard yet, but it's time consuming. I went to orientation for one of my classes last week. It was pointless. Well, it was good people watching, but horribly boring. There were more men than I thought there would be - one complete with ponytail and leather jacket! There were also more clueless people than I hoped/thought there would be. We went over every detail in the syllabus...the syllabus that I printed out over a week ago and had already read through more than once. I almost fell asleep.
Going to orientation required an over-night stay in a hotel. I got a great deal (thank you military/gov't rate!) and a nice room. About 4:30AM, the wind picked up as a cold front blew through. Well, the wind was howling through the a/c unit under the window so loudly that I couldn't sleep anymore. I was watching local news at 5AM. I waited for rush hour to be over and hit the road right after 9AM. I got home exactly 24 hours after I left. A whirlwind trip. And I get to do it all over again this week for orientation round #2!
Does anyone know who Diamond Rio is? They sang this in 1991 (yeah...that long ago...)
OMG, just watched that video and cracked up. They're a little older now. Haha! Anyway, they were performing at a telethon in town to benefit a rehab center. Dad had to go present a check to them from the runner's club and I tagged along. What else do I have going on on a Saturday night?! Plus, it was Diamond Rio!
Side Story: In middle school we had "fun nights"... We had two gyms at our middle school - one would be lit up with basketballs and other sports equipment to play with (boys congregated in there) and the other gym would be dark with a deejay and a dance going on. They were super lame and I was super shy so it wasn't ever really that great of a time. Anyway, they gave out door prizes. At one of these fun nights, many moons ago, I won a prize: a Diamond Rio cassette tape!! Heck yeah, man! So, every time I hear of Diamond Rio, I remember that tape from middle school.
Diamond Rio!
Yesterday was spent eating a lot and watching football. Neither game worked out how I wanted it to, but it was fun to watch nonetheless. Today is devoted to taking care of business. I have a to do list and already crossed quite a few things off. I'll spend this afternoon studying.
Also, it's been almost 3 months since Brian left. Wow.
I start back to school tomorrow. It has been 3 years since I've been in class. I almost forget what it's like.
I'm taking 9 hours...all online. This whole online thing is totally new to me. And totally intimidating. Luckily I'm pretty internet savvy, so I'm sure I'll figure it out.
I've been reading through all of this information about these classes...all these due dates and modules and time frames...and my mind starts spinning. It seems scarier when I don't have a class to walk into 3 days a week. It seems so...self-paced. In reality, though, it's no different than a traditional class. I have homework, and it's due on a certain day. I just don't see my professor or listen to him/her ramble on for hours every week.
Anyway, I think things are going to be a little bit crazy for me for awhile. I'm trying to get organized and I'm trying to figure out how many times I'm going to have to make the 3 hour one-way drive to campus for F2F (face-to-face, if you were wondering...it took me a whole second to figure it out when I first saw it) meetings. I'm already making the trip on Wednesday and again next Thursday. Since each F2F meeting is held at night and I don't want to drive home in the dark, I'll be staying in a hotel. On one hand, I'm looking forward to the adventure and on the other, I just wanna continue in my lazy ways.
This will all be worth it in 16 months (if all goes according to plan) when I have my master's degree in hand.
I've been waiting for weeks to get my hands on this picture so I could blog about this.
(It just wouldn't be the same without the picture, right?)
So, at the tail-end of 2010, my super-cute husband signed his life over to the Army for another 5 years. This means he also signed my life over to the Army for another 5 years. Funny how that works.
I know where we're going and when, but it's a bit early to think about seeing as we have to get through this deployment first.
In the end we got everything we wanted: our post of choice and a decent bonus (that is already safely tucked away in the savings account). The Army tried to scare us and make us think we'd get no money and have to waive his dwell time and that the post we wanted didn't want us, but it worked out...as it usually does.
We're both happy with the outcome...I'm happy it's over. (It got a bit stressful there for awhile...)
Now I can just worry about things like R&R and school.
I'm gonna wear you down I'm gonna make you see I'm gonna get to you You're gonna give in to me
I'm gonna start a fire You're gonna feel the heat I'm gonna burn for you You're gonna melt for me
Come on, come on Into my arms Come on, come on Give in to me
You're gonna take my hand Whisper the sweetest words And if you're ever sad I'll make you laugh I'll chase the hurt
My heart is set on you I don't want no one else And if you don't want me I guess I'll be all by myself
Come on, come on Into my arms Come on, come on Give in to me
I'll use my eyes to draw you in Until I'm under your skin I'll use my lips, I'll use my arms Come on, come on, come on Give in to me Give in to me Give in to me
Tonight I'll go to sleep alone again.
Tonight I'll hate this deployment a little more than usual.
Every time New Year's rolls around, I can't help but think back to December 31, 2005. On that particular New Year's Eve, I walked out of my house, away from my {emotionally and verbally} abusive live-in boyfriend for the last time.
I had left him twice before, but I always went back. He was like this drug to me. I thought he was my future, my life, and I couldn't abandon that. He was broken, but I thought he was beautiful. I thought I could make him better. I thought I could fix him.
I was young, naive and stupid.
I kept a sort-of journal for a couple months after we broke up. I wanted to share parts of it for posterity.
I have a lot going on in my head these days. Not so much in real life, but my head's goin crazy. I hate myself. I hate [ex-bf]. I hate myself for not getting out sooner. For pushing people away. For becoming someone I don't recognize. For neglecting myself, my needs. I hate [ex-bf] for making my life a living hell for the last 2.5 years. Living hell makes it sound horrible, I know that. I know a living hell would probably entail beatings and torture like I see on the news everyday. My life was beatings and torture tho. Just not how most people would characterize them. I was emotionally beaten every day. That's 915 days. Almost one thousand. Why did I let this happen? Why did I let myself get in that position? I am intelligent and observant and healthy. How did I miss the signs? Did I ignore them? He was so mean to me. He was everything I didn't want. Why did I let him get in my life? And ruin it?? Was it merely to show me what I do not want in my husband? Was it so when the one comes along I won't miss it? Did it really take 2.5 years to get that point drilled into my head? I suppose only God knows the answers to my questions. I am alone now.
How do I live for me? How do I love myself everyday without the reassurance of a man? How do I not regret? I think I'll regret now, but I'll get over it. I am 20 years old and I am completely lost.
I look at myself and I know my games. I know I want another boyfriend. I know I could get one. In a second. I don't want to f*ck around anymore tho. I have these emotions coursing through me and I don't even know what they are. I can't even label them. I can't even name them. Hate. Regret. Anger. Pain. Disappointment. Hope.
I have this deep longing for something. And only now am I realizing that I am longing for my Prince Charming. I want to be saved. Subconsciously. I don't want to be saved really tho. I want to save myself this time. I can't count on anyone else.
I am a conformer. Which means I have no idea what my true identity is. Conforming is great and all...it makes fitting in extremely easy. But I don't want to fit in anymore. I want to be me. With someone. I don't want to start listening to country music because a boy listens to it. I don't want to hang out at the skatepark cause a guy goes there. I want to watch movies and read books and drink coffee and bowl and smile and talk and laugh. I want to be happy. I'll get there.
Six months later, Brian and I were a couple. A year later and Brian was getting ready to head to boot camp. 18 months later I was counting the days until I could see Brian at his graduation. Two years later and we were married, he was deployed, and I was living with my parents.
My issues from that failed relationship still rear their ugly head sometimes. Poor Brian has had to deal with it all these years. It gets better every day, though. My walls are coming down slowly, but surely.
Leaving him was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I wish I had been strong enough to leave earlier so I didn't waste so much time on him, but the fact is that I did leave. I did what so many don't or can't or won't. I walked away from him and I never went back. I had to do it in my own time, though. I'm grateful to my parents for not pushing too hard and letting me work it out on my own.
Sometimes I still wonder what he's doing now. I think he's still in town and I fear the day I run into him somewhere. I just know I'll run and hide like I'm 5 years old. I'm past hating him, though. I hope he's happy, although I doubt that he is. I hope one day he can be. Because I am. I am happy.
