Decisions and Sacrifices

My life was fairly predictable and monotonous through high school and college. Sure, I had a super shitty boyfriend that caused plenty of drama. I made friends and lost friends. I moved in and out of my parents' house. Through all of it, I was always going to school. The goal never wavered: graduate from high school, graduate from college. I did as I was expected, but then what happens?

Since I was little, I was told that the world was my oyster. I could be anything I wanted to be. I could do anything I wanted to do. I should do what I loved. This didn't just apply to my future career, or so I believed. It was like my entire future was open to me and it was my job to shape it. In a way, I suppose that is true.

What I didn't realize at the time was that in order to shape that future, I would have to make sacrifices. I would have to narrow down the path my life would take and I would have to live with the consequences of that.

I got married (sorta) young. I was barely 22 and heading into my last semester of college. I got married for silly reasons and never stopped to think that by making the decision to get married, I was narrowing down my future. There would be no more dates. There would be no more chance encounters with cute guys. There would be no more flirting. I also married into the military which dictated the kind of life I would have. I definitely wouldn't be living in my hometown anymore. I would move a lot. I would have to start over in new places. I would have to meet new people and go out on a limb on a regular basis. I would have to get over being shy.

I understand the beauty in being single and unattached. Everything is a possibility! Your life is yours to do with whatever you want. I struggled for awhile with the sacrifices I naively made by getting married. I felt trapped, scared, and marginalized (not by Brian, just by life). I pushed the limits of my relationship with Brian. I was a brat. I whined and I cried. I felt sorry for myself.

It took awhile, but at some point I realized that I made the decision to get married and I needed to own that decision. I needed to take responsibility for the choice I made and live with it. It wasn't Brian's fault. I was a grown-ass woman when I took that leap of faith and I needed to put my big girl panties on a deal with it. I could get glad in the same shoes I got mad in.

Life has been much easier since I accepted the decision I made to get married way back when. I think part of growing up is making sacrifices. If I hadn't married Brian, I would have sacrificed this life I have now. Who knows where I would be, but I surely wouldn't be right here, right now. I'm glad I chose this life.

I think my generation is pretty spoiled. We expect to get a lot for a little. We want it all. Well, you can't have it all. And if you try, I think you might end up with nothing or a whole heap of regret. Sometimes you just have to make a decision and stick with it. You have to make the sacrifice, make the leap, and hope for the best.

Two Years Ago

Deep Thoughts.

I have been married over a year and still deal with unexpected emotions, expectations, and pressures on an almost daily basis. I do most of this to myself. I am a rather contradictory person. I believe in myself whole-heartedly, but I don't take chances. I know I'd be good at so many things (jobs, hobbies, etc.), but I don't have the balls to put myself out there and try. I let what others think of me bother me to a point that I am not comfortable with. I long to have meaningful friendships that feel more like family than friends, but I cannot seem to pick up the phone and call people. I always feel like the conversation is awkward and that I've lost my "touch" when it comes to friendships. It's like I am out of practice. I have resigned myself to the fact that I won't make friends in Louisiana. Now, I hope I am wrong, but I set my expectations low so I'm not disappointed. I learned at some point that people could really hurt me with their words and actions, so I generally don't let people get too close. I've always leaned heavily on my family and now Brian as well.

Today I was talking to Mom about my personal future. Since I graduated almost a year ago, I have felt with each passing day like more and more people were looking at me and judging me for not working and/or not continuing my education. I knew darn well that I had good reasons for both decisions and I knew that my husband fully supported me, but I still let my perceptions of others' thoughts affect my psyche. It is a known fact that my mom's opinions have major power over me. I'm not dependant on her in unhealthy ways, but her support or lack of support in my decision to put off grad school (and in anything else) would weigh heavily on my heart. I felt like she was disappointed in me for doing nothing for this year and so I in turn beat myself up for it even though I could not begin grad school right now anyway. I refuse to go in town because the only school here offering the Master's program I need is private and therefore ridiculously expensive. Plus, I knew when Brian returned I'd be moving to Louisiana and I can't transfer in the middle of my Master's. Getting my Master's is going to take two full years so I need to be in a place that I can devote two years to my education. It's all kind of screwy, but it got me to thinking about and researching schools again. I found a possibility, but it will be a big money and time commitment for both Brian and me.

With every boyfriend I have ever had, I have pictured what my future life with him would be like. The picture I painted was generally a mixture of the house I grew up in and the life my parents led with the individual quirks of both me and whoever the guy was. I realized today (and I guess I always knew, but had never really thought about it) that my marriage and life is not going to be my parents' marriage and life. I know there are memories that are precious to me from my childhood that I want to recreate with my own children, but I will also create my own traditions and memories that are totally separate and unique to my family. There isn't a guidebook.

My entire life I have done what I am "supposed" to do. I went to school for 13 years and graduated at the top of my class. I took honors classes and sang in choir. I got my driver's license at 16 and attended my senior prom. I went to college for 4 years and changed my major once. I had a series of relationships - good and bad. I moved out of my parents house and lived with roommates. Now, I am suddenly completely in charge of my destiny with no directions to follow whatsoever. The options for my life after college are endless. I'm not sure I know what to do without someone else deciding for me. Some people think I should work. Some people think I should go back to school. Some people think I should stay home and be a housewife while I can. There are a million different schools of thought on what is "best". The truth is that there isn't a "best". There is only what is best for me. I've got to start taking responsibility for myself and my own life.

I really think that once I am away from this town that has shaped who I am that I will mature more than I can imagine. I'm excited to see what kind of woman I become in my own house with my wonderful husband and my adorable gigantic dog. I'm a little scared too.

S.

A Glimpse Inside My Head

As my moving date inches closer - we're down to 2.5 months - I keep going through everything in my head. There are so many things we need to live and function in a house that I am completely in charge of finding and buying. I know I have more than if I was moving straight from my parents house without having lived anywhere on my own. We have a dining table, coffee table, sofa table, a saute pan, some bakeware, a microwave and microwave cart, a mattress and box spring, a tv armoire, and various lamps, electronics, and knick knacks. We still need a washer and dryer, a bedroom set, a couch and recliner, a futon, and a bunch of kitchen stuff. (And a vacuum. I almost forgot the vacuum!) Alot of that can wait, I know, but some of it can't. I need a washer/dryer ASAP after I get there. I also want the bedroom set taken care of by the time Brian gets home. It's the dang bedroom set that's been giving me the most grief. I had found one online through Haverty's, but I noticed a part of it that I don't like so it's off the list. Today I found a set through Target that I'd have to put together myself and it's not the best stuff by any means, but it would cost less than $1,500 for a headboard, tall chest, dresser w/ mirror, and two nightstands. What more do we really need? We're young and not rich. We could afford to buy something nice, but do we really need to spend so much money on furniture right now? We just need some drawers to put our clothes in. Maybe after the next deployment we can buy a nice all wood bedroom set, but for now I'm seriously leaning toward the DIY Target set. I still have a couple months to totally change my mind which I'm apt to do.

I still can't believe that 3 weeks from tomorrow I'll call Polk Picerne Housing to tell them I want to come get my house on December 1st. It seems like just yesterday that this move seemed so far away. I realize it's still weeks away, but I know it's going to fly by. I still have alot of wedding stuff to take care of and eventually I need to start boxing things up here. I am leaving the vast majority of all the furniture I am using right now here so I have to pack up all the contents. It's going to be chaos for awhile after I move. There's a reason I gave myself a month before Brian gets home to get everything together.

I feel like I'm rambling, but this is all bouncing around in my head. I also know that 6 months after Brian gets home we'll be having a wedding. We'll most likely get gifts at our wedding that could go toward things for our house. I could put off things like the futon for the extra room, curtains, lamps, recliner, and kitchen stuff, but I'm not sure I want to live without for 6 months. I know that before Brian's 4 years are up he'll get deployed again. I don't want to go without for half of the time Brian is home. I want our house to be as perfect as I can get it. I want a new bedroom set and a new futon. I have decided to let myself indulge a little more than usual when it comes to our house. I can pay our savings back after the wedding.

As much as I enjoy all the responsibility that marriage brings, sometimes it's super stressful! I really just worry about getting everything done on my own when I'm in LA. I know I'll figure it out and it will be a good experience, but it's also nerve-wracking. I also can't believe that Brian is 4 months away. Where did the last 11 months go? Suddenly it's the end and I don't even remember being in the middle.

In other news...

The parents and I went to the Cooper game on Friday. It was the district opening versus Hereford (near Amarillo). We won! 42-13. It was a perfect fall evening with a strong West Texas wind. Cooper made alot of stupid mistakes (2 interceptions leading to the 13 points), but outplayed the other team. After the game we looked up the size of the schools in Cooper's district and finally we are the largest in the competition. Hereford only has around 1,200 students (Cooper has a little over 2,000). Their band and football team was about 2/3 the size of Cooper's. I'm optimistic about the rest of district play. This Friday Cooper is at San Angelo Lakeview and we're making the trip down there for it. Keith is even going! He asked off for this weekend just so he could go. It should be a fun family trip.

I talked to Brian alot this week and yesterday. Something was going on yesterday cause Brian was not where he normally is, but couldn't tell me anything more specific. He could, however, get on the computer and call me. He wasted alot of time on both because he didn't have anywhere to sleep. Gotta love the Army. I'm sure he can't wait til he's home where there is always a real bed waiting for him at home.

I've been feeling good about things lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm a complete bum loser, but I've been trying to keep myself busy. I have various projects going and I keep the house in baked goods (tonight it was chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting). Tomorrow will either be a stay at home day to get some ornaments painted or I'll run some errands. We'll see how I'm feeling. Either way I think I'm taking the day off from the gym. Who knows tho.

Alright, this computer is making my legs (and me) super hot and I need to get the cake covered. I think Baby Mama is on my agenda for the rest of the evening. Goodnight!

S.

Take Off.

I knew this was going to be hard. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him much, but I guess I was expecting too much. His plane is supposed to take off for Kuwait in 21 minutes and I haven't talked to him since 2:45 - before they even left Fort Polk for Alexandria. I thought for sure we could talk until they took off, but as the clock winds down to 20:00 (8:00), I am losing hope. I guess this is where it all really begins. I'm not looking forward to the next year+, but I want it over ASAP.

It's hard to think about anything else but this, but there are other things going on in my life.

Make It & Take It is officially over. Kimbra and I "presented" our stuff to the Methods class this morning and, thankfully, Dr. Hill missed all but 2 minutes of it. I'm really proud of myself for finishing that and making some things that I may use again. Oh, and my felt board which isn't even a board was a big hit. I decided before I even made it that I wanted something more portable than a piece of wood covered in felt. I also wanted something more versatile. I remembered in speech camp how the felt bears would easily fall off Jackie's felt board and I began to wonder if felt would stick better to something like flannal. All of these thoughts led to my final creation which was a sheet of black felt glued to a sheet of white fleece and then pink ribbon glued around the edges to finish it off. It was pretty dang amazing if I do say so myself, but I was always nervous that Chill would find some fault with it simply because it was mine and it was innovative. To my utter shock and amazement, she loved it and has been praising it to anyone who may listen or benefit from it. I really wouldn't be surprised if every felt board that came out of HSU from now on resembles mine. As long as she gives me credit...

I only have 6 more hours of observing to do in the next 6 business days. I could probably stretch it to 7 if I'm desperate, but I should be able to bust it out tomorrow and next Tuesday. I'll be up at the rehab center at Hendrick all day tomorrow: Out-Patient in the AM and In-Patient in the PM. I called Helen today (In-Patient contact person) and she seemed kind of odd...I'll let you know.

I graduate in 15 days...less since my ceremony is at 10 AM. How weird. It sucks that Brian won't be there. It also sucks that none of my extended family will be there either. I thought for sure my grandparents would make it, but it seems it's getting to that point where if we want to see them, we must go there. Bummer.

13 minutes to take off.

I'm glad I finally really, truly see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I still have work to do, papers to write, books to read, but I don't really care any more. I just want to get there...somehow, someway.

11 minutes.

I'm worried after I graduate and quit my job that all human peer contact I have will cease. I'm nervous I really won't have any friends. I'm a sucky friend alot of the time, but I know I'm going to need plans sometimes, just so I can have a reason to get dressed and something to look forward to. I really hope I'm strong enough because everything seems really overwhelming sometimes.

9 minutes.

My life has become to different. I am still figuring out what being married is. I like it, I love Brian, but my life often revolves around dating and guys and now my love is a world away and I'm alone. I'm not saying I want to look elsewhere...but I'm just not sure how my social world will be structured. I will soon be out of school for the first time since I was 5. I'm ready for a break, but what will I do without homework, expectations, and learning? I hope I am motivated enough to keep learning even when it is not mandatory. I am going to move back in with my parents. I haven't even stayed with them longer than a couple months after a bad breakup in over 3 years. I hope I can have patience and compassion for everyone so that we all get along. I have to pack up my house. The thought alone gives me a headache. (6 minutes) I don't even know where to begin, or even how to move. I have never moved a house before. When I moved in, I hardly had anything so it wasn't really like moving. I had some furniture but everything came in bits and pieces...I don't even really remember it. I have accumulated tons of stuff in the last few years and I probably need to throw alot of it away before it ends up in a box. One day at a time...

I got my invite to Molly's wedding on Jan. 12th. It was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Brian Ivy - our first joint invitation. Obviously he won't be able to attend so I guess I'm going alone. I hate that I haven't kept in touch with anyone and that I'm incredibly antisocial to the point that I'm not sure if I could survive a reception. I need to be there tho. I love her, and I'm happy for her. Plus, Molly and Leslie are my two favorite friends in my entire life. I remember our years together so fondly.

3 minutes.

I wish I had more time so I could get Christmas shopping done. I have more people to buy for due to the unexpected nuptuals so I'm stressing a little bit.

It's now 2 minutes to take off and I can't even focus to write anything else. I wonder how long the flight is. I wonder where he is, how he's feeling. I bet he's scared. And feeling shitty because we never spoke again.

1 minute.

I hope he knows I love him more than anything can describe. I hope he knows I'm thinking about him and that I'm proud of him. I hope he knows I miss him.

20:00...8:00 PM.

Be safe, my love. See you soon.

S.