Employment: Year Two

My second year of employment is officially in the books!

I spent the last week hibernating recovering. I obsessively watched DWTS youtube videos (no judging!), stayed up late, slept in, napped, wore the battery out on my iPad, got a pedicure, hit up a Zumba class, grocery shopped in the morning, and, of course, exercised everyday. It has been wonderful, but it's back to the grind starting Monday. I was crazy and signed up to work ESY (Extended School Year -- aka summer school). It's extra money and only four mornings a week, so it'll be ok. I'm working with my supervisor which should be equal parts entertaining and torturous. Focus on the money, Sarah!

Looking back on the past year, I am amazed by how unexpectedly wonderful it was. I didn't anticipate Year Two being much different from Year One, but I was so very wrong.

• I made friends this year. Relationships that barely started last year had a chance to flourish this year. I had lunch plans and Target dates and hilarious text conversations with truly wonderful people. My Army Oklahoma BFF walked into my life on the second week of the school year and nothing has been the same since. I swear it was fate. She didn't spend much of the year in the classroom next door, but that sure didn't stop us (and subsequently our husbands) from becoming fast friends. She and I spent all day Thursday together and never was there an awkward moment. It is really awesome having friends where you live.
• Brian was around this year. I started the year without him, but within the month he was home again. It was an adjustment (as it always is), but we were both happy to figure out the dynamics of a dual-income household. I know he's proud of me, too.
• It was important to me last year to let my work speak for me so I stifled my personality quite a bit around my colleagues. This year I had a better handle on the personalities in my school and I was more secure in my abilities, so my personality came out a bit more. This resulted in better relationships with teachers/staff and just all around more fun. I didn't hide in my classroom quite as much!
• Many of my students were the same this year from last year which was a blast. I love the part of my job that requires me to love these little kids, especially the ones who may not be getting enough of it outside of school. I could see the excitement in their eyes when they realized I would still be their "speech teacher" this year. How can you be down on yourself when you have 45 students looking up to you every day?? The hugs, drawings, and notes were always appreciated.
• And one last obvious perk of another year of work: watching our savings account slowly build. It may not work for most people, but for the time being we are still able to live solely on Brian's pay and put mine away for the future. Now if only I could stop spending so much money at Target so as to not put this plan in jeopardy...

So, goodbye 2013-2014 school year! It was great fun. Next year may very well bring changes (many different things happening in my school system which has the potential to change my assignment), but I'll be ready for it.

TBT: October 2005

Bethany!

Leslie!

And my brother back when he was a total band nerd. ;)

Where Does The Time Go?

Truly. It's already practically mid-April?

I really fell off the blogging train. I thought getting a new computer would fix that, but it just caused more headaches. I mean, why is my wireless-enable desktop not recognizing my wifi?? And Windows 8? How does that work?? How much does Microsoft Office cost these days? It took me longer than anticipated to sit down and figure the darn thing out. Honestly, I still haven't. I haven't used it nearly as much as I thought I would. The touchscreen is pretty cool, though!

So, how about I hit the highlights?

I just published my end-of-2013 posts....FOUR months late. Oops. So, those pretty much recap last year.

This year...

Disney World was equal parts amazing and exhausting. Those were some of THE longest days, but we packed so much into those five days. Not much had changed in the seven years since I had been there last, but it was incredible experiencing it with Brian for the first time. Plus, we got to spend quality time with my brother and his better, more handsome (haha!), half. I may have needed a vacation to recover from my vacation and I know I didn't take enough pictures, but it was awesome nonetheless.

I am six weeks away from the end of my second year of work. I'm not sure how many more years I have here (doubtful it'll be more than one) and it's hard to believe the last two have flown by. I signed up to do summer school in June, so I won't be completely free until July. The extra money will be nice though! Maybe I should start thinking of some way to treat myself.

Brian and I have been pretty rock solid. We have friends and go on dates (impromptu dinners out count, right?) and get away every now and then. I even agreed to go camping for his birthday. There was a fire a tent and everything! Now, I am in no way a camper now, but it can be fun occasionally. Next time maybe I can win a round or two of horseshoes! Ha!!

We celebrated seven years in the Army a couple days ago. It's gone by rather quickly. There's a possibility of another deployment at the end of the year, but Brian has a number of things up in the air, so we'll wait and see how it plays out. No matter what happens I know we'll be fine. I feel at peace about the whole thing.

Next weekend is Easter weekend. Instead of going home to see family or even to stay here and chill out (since I don't get a single day off between now and the end of the year), we are heading down to see Brian's grandmother. She's crazy, but she's always been good to us, so we owe her a visit while we're still relatively close. We're staying at a hotel about 45 minutes away from her and I doubt she's all that happy about it. She made sure to remind Brian that she has a bed and we can stay with her. Of course we know all of this and definitely made the conscious choice to NOT stay there. I have a feeling it'll be an interesting and probably tiring weekend.

Despite Brian being in the country this summer, I am ditching him in July to accompany my parents to the Northeast once again. I'm conflicted about leaving Brian behind, but the thought of two weeks on the lake again is too enticing to pass up. It is good for my soul to be there. By the time summer school is over, I think I'll really really need the break to recharge before getting back to work in August.

So there's the quick and dirty update. No promises moving forward, but I have high hopes.

Letters

Dear J,

Why do you lie to me? Haven't we known each other long enough to cut the BS? Just tell me the truth. Own up to your mistakes. Don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Stop creating drama. Your life is dramatic enough. While you're at it, grow up. You are too old to be this dependent on other people. Learn how to manage your money. Figure out how to stand on your own two feet. It's time. I don't have many friends in this world, please stop making it so hard to maintain our friendship. Thanks.

Your friend,
S.


Dear B,

I'm not ready for this deployment. I've been coping by not thinking about it, but it's sneaking up on me whether I'd like it to or not. Another missed Christmas (this will be #4). I normally enjoy the unpredictability of this Army lifestyle, but it is so hard to thrive as a couple when we are apart. I just thought we'd have more time. I thought we've move to OK and get a chance to really settle in somewhere finally. I'm sad and I'm sorry if I mistakenly take that out on you. We can do this, right? I love you.

Love,
S.


Dear friend,

Just reach out and apologize. Please.

S.


Dear Cooper football,

Thanks for another fun season. I wish you had made it deeper into the playoffs, but there's always next year, right? What will I do on Friday nights now?

Love always,
A Faithful Alum


Dear Mom,

Thanks for making the best apple pie in the world. Will you make it again for Christmas?

Love,
Sling


Dear God,

Just get me to Christmas. Thanks.

Love,
Me

People

People disappoint me. Constantly.

My expectations are probably too high.

The only people I can count on to call me on a regular basis, return my phone calls and make time for me in their schedules are my parents, my brother and my husband.

I am forever grateful that I have an a-freaking-mazing family and husband, but why don't I have good friends? Or, hell, a sorta good friend? I always feel like I'm at the bottom of everyone's priority lists. I'm sorry, but if I'm constantly at the bottom of your list, then I don't want to waste my time. Every time my phone doesn't ring when it's supposed to, I feel rejected and disappointed. Why would I keep subjecting myself to that?

So, I have four people I can count on. One is in a foreign country and another is in NYC. There's only so much third-wheeling with my parents I can do (and I do A LOT). Blah...

In other news, I'm visiting my advisor for grad school on Monday. Hopefully my mom can go with me, but if she can't, I'm going anyway. I'm so ready to get a better grasp on what kind of program I'm enrolled in and have some of my questions answered. Now if only they'd straighten out my tuition crap. I am SO not paying non-resident tuition. Just sayin'.

Who's still not finished Christmas shopping? *raises hand*

Who hates shopping for in-laws? *raises hand even higher*

Who misses their husband? *raises both hands*

Also, how is it already December 9th? When did that happen?

It Hurts

One of my bridesmaids is getting married this Saturday.


Apparently I was not invited.


I would not have been able to make it to the wedding anyway, but I'm deeply hurt that I was excluded.


Sure, there's always reasons for why I was left out. Maybe the invitation even got lost in the mail - although I doubt it.


It's made me think alot this morning. Maybe I suck at being a friend. Maybe I should have made (and make in the future) more of an effort. Maybe it's totally my fault that I didn't get invited.


This is one of those days that I'm just tired of being a grown up. I don't think I'm very good at it. I miss the simple way of life when I lived at home and had no worries.

A Few Things

1. I ate a piece of lettuce last night. Does this count as an attempt at eating more veggies? (I first mentioned it here.)


2. I made The Pioneer Woman's famous chocolate cake tonight. It was every bit as good (and sinful) as she promised. Go make it.


3. I bought a new swimsuit today! I'm really excited about it. I'd describe it, but I couldn't do it justice - and I'd make it sound ugly and old-lady-ish. I also got a great pair of jeans that actually fits! I've been trying to squeeze into cheap jeans from American Eagle and stuff for the last couple years. The fact of the matter is that my body has changed and those jeans do nothing for me. It's been so long since I've gotten great new stuff - it was alot of fun. It helped that I got to hang out with my brother while shopping! (He's a great sport about shopping with me!)


4. Tiny went to the vet today. He's been having skin problems for the last few months (dry and flaky). The vet thinks it's a staph infection. We have orders to bathe him in medicated shampoo once a week for awhile and see how he does. I really hope it works. It would be so nice for Tiny to have a gorgeous coat again!


5. I called one of my oldest friends today so we could try to meet up while I'm in town and she put me off like she has the last 3 times I've been home. It always goes the same way: I call her, she makes plans with me for the last day I'm in town and then doesn't call me and doesn't answer when I call. Maybe this time she'll call when she says she will. Maybe.


6.  Hannah gave me an award today! I can't say enough good things about Hannah. She's the first blogger I struck up a friendship with outside of blogs. We email back and forth and chat on Facebook. She's a great friend to have, even if we've never met and live far away from each other!


Now about the award:

The rules:

1. Thank the person who gave it to you.

2. Name 10 things that make you happy.

3. Pass on to 10 bloggers and notify the winners.

So....thanks, Hannah! :)

Happy things:

1. Shopping

2. Tiny

3. Family

4. Good books

5. Rainy afternoons

6. Dessert

7. Yankees

8. Clean sheets

9. Spring days

10. Long walks

Seven bloggers (finding and linking 7 that Hannah didn't already tag took long enough - I just couldn't make it to 10, sorry!):

1. My real life high school friend Leslie @ Little Leslie Grows Up

2. Meg @ Adapting to Change

3. Allison @ I Heart Change

4. Becky @ My Life, From {Army} Brat to Wife

5. Marsie @ Quite Contrary

6. Casey @ The Ever-Changing Life of a Military Wife

7. Katie F. @ The Life of an Army Wife

Geez, that took a long time! All the linking and searching and thinking! I worked on this through the entire 2 hours of DWTS! Oh well, all you girls deserve it and Hannah deserved a big fat thank you.

Deep Thoughts.

I have been married over a year and still deal with unexpected emotions, expectations, and pressures on an almost daily basis. I do most of this to myself. I am a rather contradictory person. I believe in myself whole-heartedly, but I don't take chances. I know I'd be good at so many things (jobs, hobbies, etc.), but I don't have the balls to put myself out there and try. I let what others think of me bother me to a point that I am not comfortable with. I long to have meaningful friendships that feel more like family than friends, but I cannot seem to pick up the phone and call people. I always feel like the conversation is awkward and that I've lost my "touch" when it comes to friendships. It's like I am out of practice. I have resigned myself to the fact that I won't make friends in Louisiana. Now, I hope I am wrong, but I set my expectations low so I'm not disappointed. I learned at some point that people could really hurt me with their words and actions, so I generally don't let people get too close. I've always leaned heavily on my family and now Brian as well.

Today I was talking to Mom about my personal future. Since I graduated almost a year ago, I have felt with each passing day like more and more people were looking at me and judging me for not working and/or not continuing my education. I knew darn well that I had good reasons for both decisions and I knew that my husband fully supported me, but I still let my perceptions of others' thoughts affect my psyche. It is a known fact that my mom's opinions have major power over me. I'm not dependant on her in unhealthy ways, but her support or lack of support in my decision to put off grad school (and in anything else) would weigh heavily on my heart. I felt like she was disappointed in me for doing nothing for this year and so I in turn beat myself up for it even though I could not begin grad school right now anyway. I refuse to go in town because the only school here offering the Master's program I need is private and therefore ridiculously expensive. Plus, I knew when Brian returned I'd be moving to Louisiana and I can't transfer in the middle of my Master's. Getting my Master's is going to take two full years so I need to be in a place that I can devote two years to my education. It's all kind of screwy, but it got me to thinking about and researching schools again. I found a possibility, but it will be a big money and time commitment for both Brian and me.

With every boyfriend I have ever had, I have pictured what my future life with him would be like. The picture I painted was generally a mixture of the house I grew up in and the life my parents led with the individual quirks of both me and whoever the guy was. I realized today (and I guess I always knew, but had never really thought about it) that my marriage and life is not going to be my parents' marriage and life. I know there are memories that are precious to me from my childhood that I want to recreate with my own children, but I will also create my own traditions and memories that are totally separate and unique to my family. There isn't a guidebook.

My entire life I have done what I am "supposed" to do. I went to school for 13 years and graduated at the top of my class. I took honors classes and sang in choir. I got my driver's license at 16 and attended my senior prom. I went to college for 4 years and changed my major once. I had a series of relationships - good and bad. I moved out of my parents house and lived with roommates. Now, I am suddenly completely in charge of my destiny with no directions to follow whatsoever. The options for my life after college are endless. I'm not sure I know what to do without someone else deciding for me. Some people think I should work. Some people think I should go back to school. Some people think I should stay home and be a housewife while I can. There are a million different schools of thought on what is "best". The truth is that there isn't a "best". There is only what is best for me. I've got to start taking responsibility for myself and my own life.

I really think that once I am away from this town that has shaped who I am that I will mature more than I can imagine. I'm excited to see what kind of woman I become in my own house with my wonderful husband and my adorable gigantic dog. I'm a little scared too.

S.

Frustrating.

I need a good listener. A blog that can't talk back has to be a good listener, right? Ok, here goes...

Today has been a weird day. I'll just start at the beginning. I got up and went to the gym this morning. It was a good workout. Yesterday was rough and I was glad when today wasn't as bad. I burned 180+ calories and got some good ab work in. I left there with endorphins raging and feeling pretty good. I drove all the way home with the windows down. I got home, surfed the net and made myself some lunch (pb sandwich w/ honey mustard pringles). I spent the next couple hours on the computer and watching TV. Mom had mentioned we'd go out to eat tonight since she didn't feel like cooking so I jumped in the shower around 3. I took extra care drying my hair and putting on my makeup because I had plans to go to a concert with Kim and some other people tonight. I threw on some clothes and went to the mall with Mom around 4:30. Dad was running and was going to meet us at Chili's around 5:30. Mom got some clothes at Christopher & Banks and I hit up the Victoria's Secret panty sale. When we were finished it was 5:30 and we hadn't heard from Dad. Mom was irritated and just wanted to go home. It was around here that I sorta lost it.

I haven't seen Kim in weeks and weeks. She's invited me to do some things with her but it always involves people I don't know, money I don't want to spend, and Thursday nights when I have to be home by 10. I have said "no" more times than I can count and every time I feel guilty. She texted me on Tuesday to see if I wanted to go to a concert at a new bar in town tonight (Thursday). I agreed because she gave me enough notice and I figured $12 cover to a concert wasn't the end of the world. I knew exactly what I was going to wear too - a dress I bought at Kohl's months ago and hadn't worn anywhere yet. So, the entire shower, half shave of my legs, make up, and blow dry were with this concert in mind. Earlier in the day Kim had called making sure I still wanted to go. In the middle of giving me the details of the evening she got a call on call waiting from some number she didn't recognize so she told me she'd call me back. It's been over 4 hours and I haven't heard from her. I even called her around 4:30 and she hasn't returned that phone call either. In the mall when I was faced with the disappointment of not Chili's dinner and that I had gotten ready and dressed to buy underwear and then go home, I got really angry and frustrated. It seems like everything lined up to mess with me today. I haven't talked to Brian since Monday and subconsciously that always screws with my psyche. Throw into the mix that Kim totally blew me off and just didn't seem to really care if I went tonight or not and I just felt really sorry for myself really fast. I get tired of being here alone. I get tired of not having a husband to accompany me to things. I get tired of depending on a select few people for all my companionship when they have their own lives to lead. I get tired of immature friends who simply do not understand what it is to be a grown up. I get tired of holding my finger on the pause button of my life. Sometimes I want to run away from everyone and everything for awhile and just be. This is why I generally opt to stay home by myself. People are selfish creatures that really only care about what is happening to them. I wonder if Kim has even wondered where I am. She sure as hell hasn't called. It will be bittersweet when I wash my face tonight. I worked so hard on my purple smokey eye (seriously!). I worked equally as hard on my hair. I guess I did it all to go on a mall run that wasn't even necessary.

I don't think I smile as much as I used to. I smile more when Brian's home.

I think I'll put Transformers in tonight. I love that movie and haven't watched it in awhile. Or maybe I'll get caught up in a The First 48 marathon. No telling, really.

Thank you for letting me get that out. I'm really ok - I always am. Some days are just harder than others.

S.

Busy Day.

I haven't done a rundown of my day in a long time. Perhaps that's because my days are usual monotonous and boring. Hmm.

I woke up bright and early (if 8:30 is bright and early) to a text message from Brian telling me to wake up and get on the computer. We talked for an hour or so. We're in this weird rut where we talk about alot of nothing. There are no big decisions to make. We're too far away from me moving or him coming home to be making plans. I don't do much with myself so I don't have interesting stories to tell. He can't tell me most of what goes on with him and I've learned not to ask. I say all that to tell you that I'm not sure what we even talked about for an hour.

This brings me to my first tangent: I think I might need to get a hobby. Maybe I should bust out the scrapbooking supplies Roz got me and start putting some scrapbook together. Maybe I should bug Jenna to teach me how to make necklaces (or even teach myself). Maybe I should learn how to knit (I've always been secretly intrigued with it). I'm going to think about this seriously. I think it would help me as well as my relationship with Brian. I could feel excited about something, accomplish something, and have something to tell Brian about.

Back to today. While I was talking to Brian, I started putting myself together. I had made plans with Shannon to have lunch today. I wasn't sure how long Brian would be on the computer so I didn't want to get caught not being ready at lunch time. Well he was gone by 9:30 and I had my face all put together. All I needed was clothes and I could go anywhere. I knew I had wanted to hit up Wal-Mart while I was near it to get Brian some things he requested for a package so I figured I'd get ready and head out and just wing the morning. I put on my new (favorite, super comfy) jeans with my new shirt and some old heels, threw my hair in a cute ponytail, let Tiny out and embarked on my adventure.

I went to Wal-Mart first. I got (2) Thai Peanut flavored noodle things, (2) sets of 2 plastic organizer things for the fridge, a can of tomato paste for Mom, (2) cans of original Pringles for B, (2) brownie bowl things for B, a box of Reese's Puffs for B, (2) reusable water bottles, a can of honey mustard pringles for me, eyeshadow, nail polish, and lipstick all for a little over $30. The makeup alone was over $10. I mean I guess that's sort of alot of money, but I don't buy things often. When I'm not here anymore and I'm living a "real" life, I'll make sure to make lists and budget. Anyway, I wandered around there for awhile and somewhere around the lipstick I decided I needed to get out of there before I bought something crazy like a TV or something. I self-checked myself and headed to the car.

Next I went to Old Navy. The in-laws got me a gift card to there that I'd been meaning to spend. When I got out of the truck at ON, I realized my heels - which I remember being the most comfortable of the heels I own - were hurting my feet quite a bit. In ON, I even had to fish an old Band-Aid out of my purse to put on my right ankle. ON was in a weird transition between summer and fall so I didn't find as much stuff as I usually do. I ended up with (2) rockin' long sleeved striped tees that I'll wear the hell out of come fall/winter, a pair of running shorts complete with built in underwear that I may have to cut out - we'll see, a "yoga" tank (in hot pink) that I'll just wear to the gym of course, and a $7 sports bra that smells like a bathing suit. My gift card was for $50 and my total was $50.87. I rock. The end.

After that I had about 30 minutes to kill before lunch so I moved the truck and wandered through Shoe Carnival. It sucked. I found a pair of running shoes I like but I want to check the Bx first. I know they have a ridiculous amount of athletic shoes and I'd at least save the tax. Maybe I'll check it out this weekend. My shoes are getting old and maybe some new shoes will inspire me to work harder at the gym. Needless to say I left SC empty handed (probably a good thing).

Around this time, my feet were really killing me. I had to get through the pain, though. What choice did I have?

I headed over to Red Robin to wait on Shannon and end up getting a text from her as soon as I get in the truck saying she got out of class early so she was already there. Score! We ate, we talked, we caught up. I heard all about her new bf who sounds upstanding and decent. I mean, he has to be good since he graduated from Cooper. Ha. After lunch we ended up carpooling to the mall to check out Zida. I told her I liked her wallet and that I wanted one like it. I said - kinda to myself - that I bet Zida would have them (they didn't) and she asked if I wanted to go. My feet were killing me, but I didn't want to be a bitch. I mean, where else did I have to be?

So, off to the mall. Shannon drove and we discussed the perils of driving a gigantic truck. I like browsing in Zida but I can never pull the trigger on any purchases. I ended up leaving with red ball stud earrings (in honor of Cooper) and two more bubble rings (I already had 3). Shannon got some purple hoops and maybe a ring, I don't remember. After that we went to JJ Fashion in search of the elusive wallet which, at this point, I'm really not caring about because my feet hurt. Plus, this JJ Fashion place sucks. I've walked by it a million times. It's run by asians a la China Town. Cheap purses, cheap wallets all crammed into the tiniest space possible. Shannon seems to think the place is great. I didn't and still don't.

I finally head home. By now Tiny has been cooped up inside since 10 (I later found out Dad came home at 11 so Tine wasn't all alone the whole time) and it was now 2. I thought I had looked so cute that I was a little sad to come home, but I'm glad I did now. I wore those heels for a measly 4 hours and now have 4 separate blisters on my feet. I guess a blister for every hour. I have two on my left pinky toe that are especially bulbous and gross. I'm going to see how they are in the morning before I decide to pop them or not. Ew.

The afternoon was spent reading blogs and perusing my new Cosmo. Dinner was DoubleDave's pepperoni pizza and chocolate chip dessert pizza. Yum! Although it kind of hurt my stomach.

Tonight was (dun dun dun) the Cooper/A-low game. Cooper is now 4A so, for once, this game really doesn't affect much. It isn't a district game and will not affect playoffs. The only thing that it could really affect would be state ranking. There also were some bragging rights up for grabs. If, by some miracle, Cooper beat Abilene, shit would hit the fan. Cooper really had nothing to lose. They were expected to lose by everyone in town so if they lost, no harm no foul. Oh but if they win.

We head to the game at 6:30 - 30 minutes later than Mom wanted to. The West Texas Fair & Rodeo is also in its last weekend which was going to make parking complicated. The entire South end parking lot was full by the time we got there. We ventured North and got a spot about 2/3 of the way back. We fought our way through milling students and scored some free blow up spirit stick things. I don't even think I can type about the whole game. I'll summarize. Cooper lost 20-13. The score really doesn't even begin to describe what happened in that game. We should have won, we could have won. We made a couple mistakes and missed a few opportunities. We played better than we have before this season. We scared the shit out of that big, bad 5A school. Last year we lost by over 30 points. We drop a classification and have to reinvent our cougar symbol and suddenly we're not the old Cooper anymore. Yes, it would have been super amazing exciting if Cooper had won, but they didn't. They are smaller than Abilene and have a coach in his third season with the team. We have been beat up over and over through the last few seasons. We have come into our own now. Finally. We showed that that team across town may not be as good as they think they are. Too bad when districts were realigned, they ended up with a cakewalk district and no longer have to play Odessa and Midland teams. I don't think Abilene would have done as well this season as they had in recent years. Overall, I'm super proud of the way we played. The last 3 minutes were the most exciting of the entire game. If only one play had fallen our way, but it didn't and that's perfectly ok. I cannot wait until the rest of the season. This young Cooper team has alot of games ahead of it (against alot of teams we are all unfamiliar with). We are expected to be a powerhouse in 4A and so far they haven't let anyone down. It should make for a fun season and I'm so glad the stupid crosstown game is over. I always hated having that to "look forward" to.

So, now it's after midnight, I've got blistered toes, a dull headache and tired eyes. I have to be up sorta early to go to the gym with Mom (which sounds anything but appetizing right now). I guess I felt like writing, huh?

S.

I'm Sorry.

I haven't posted in almost a month. Want to know why? This is my 99th post. That means that the next post I write will be my 100th. I had this crazy idea to write 100 things for my 100th post. I've been "working" on this for about a month. How many things do I have so far? Oh about 15. Yeah, I think I might abandon that project.



Brian mentioned earlier that I hadn't written anything in awhile and it got me to thinking. I figured I should probably write something. If I don't I'll be wondering what I was doing for a month when I read back over these in a few years.



As usual, not alot has been going on in my life. I have busy-ish weeks and I have boring weeks. I have stretches when I don't see anybody that doesn't come to the house. Then I have stretches where I forget what my mom's cooking tastes like because every meal seems to be booked with friends. It's a weird life and I'll be glad when it's over.



I'm really confused on what I am doing with my life. I know that when Brian returns I will become a wife and a housekeeper. What am I other than that? For so long I was a student, but I am not anymore. I would probably keep being a student if I could decide what to do and if I had excess cash floating around. I'm really grateful that Brian and I are not strapped for cash, but when it comes to paying for more school money just frustrates the hell out of me. I often feel like I spent 5 years (after high school) preparing myself for life. Well, here I am 5 years later and I feel completely unprepared. I wish I had worked somewhere corporately run where there was room to advance and get job skills that could trasfer to other places. I wish I had chosen a major more carefully so maybe, just maybe, I could find a job - a profession - that I really enjoy, maybe even love. I wish somewhere along the way I had developed a work ethic. I can't go back in time so I'm trying my best to figure it out now. I keep thinking/hoping that something will hit me, that it will all become clear. I also try not to drive myself crazy over it. I have always lived my life without regrets so I am not going to start regretting things now. I will move forward and I will live my life the best I know how and I will enjoy it. I will keep my eyes, ears, and mind open to new challenges and opportunities. After all, I just really want to be happy.



Jana had her baby - Levie - on June 17th. He is now almost 4 weeks old. She came over with him the other night and I snapped this picture when Mom was holding him. He's one of the cutest babies I have ever seen and I am totally adopting him as my nephew. He sleeps all the time and isn't all that much fun for me to play with yet. I'm sure in no time he'll turn into a little terror with adorable smiles and giggles.

The arrival of her baby has created baby talk around me and inside my own head. Through all my thoughts I have come to the conclusion that when planning a pregnancy the woman must want a child more than she doesn't want to ruin her body. I know that sounds vain, but it's the truth. I know that I am not ready to have a baby yet because I am not ready for my body to change. Whether we like it or not, having a baby irreparably alters a woman's body in many ways. I may not be a model or actress, but I wear a small pant size and I have minimal stretch marks. I would like to keep it that way for a couple/few more years. I am fully confident that one day my desire for a baby will outweigh my apprehension about ruining my body and that is when I will be ready to get pregnant. Until then, I shall stick to being Brian's hot wife.

Alright, the towel on my wet head is needing to come off and I need to start thinking about sleep.

Goodnight!

S.

What to do, what to do...

What's a girl to do with the most selfish "friend" she's ever known?

This may come out all wrong. I'm all kinds of angry and frustrated which may very well jumble everything up.

I have a friend. She sucks at being my friend. I'm not sure when the last time was that she asked me how I was doing or how Brian was. Everyone asks me those questions. Even people I don't know very well will ask me those questions. She never does. She can't stand silence so she fills every potentially quiet moment with rambling sentences about herself. She calls me and dumps her relationship problems on me. I can't count how many times in the last 6 months she has called me crying. Yet, she expects me to be happy for her when she forgives him over and over. I don't see all the good things that may (or may not) be happening and she doesn't realize this. I thought he was a nice guy when I met him, but he could very easily be a messed up abusive sleazoid. I am supposed to stand next to her in 3 months at her wedding. I already bought the dress ($125 not counting shoes). If she dumps much more relationship drama on me I'm not sure how I'll be able to stand there supporting her union in good conscience. Plus, you aren't supposed to deal with your relationship problems outside your relationship. That's just asking for problems. Apparently her mother didn't teach her this like mine did. I am so overwhelmed with frustration over this. I wish I could just let it go. I'm going to try to let it go, but I'm not sure how easy that will be. I'm tired of feeling used and taken advantage of. If I didn't have money invested in a wedding in 3 months I think I'd start cutting the friendship strings now. Instead I have to suffer until the end of September. I may need to scream into some pillows and punch some trees. I don't know what to do.

S.

Another day in the life...

I should have gone to the gym today. I have a semi-believable excuse. I was supposed to go to lunch with Jana today. I hadn't showered since Friday so I thought showering was higher on the priority list than going to the gym. So, I get in the shower and while I'm in there I miss a call from Jana. I call her back and she wanted to postpone our lunch to later in the day. I told her to call me when she was done with all her errands. It is now...let me check...4:29 PM. I haven't heard from her. Typical. I should have gone to the gym today.

I met Mom on base today. I got there before her and figured I'd walk around the BX until she got there. The BX has a gigantic parking lot that is never more than 1/3 full, even on or around payday. Today, however, the parking lot looked virtually full. There were cars as far as the eye could see. I could not for the life of me figure out what the heck was going on. I had to park in the Commissary parking lot so I could easily park the big truck I drive around. It was nuts! Mom got there and we carpooled to the library and by the time we got back to the BX to eat lunch, the parking lot was back to it's normal capacity. I'm hoping those cars didn't just disappear. Maybe some alien spaceship swooped into military airspace and sucked up all those little Air Force men. Or they all were just pissed they didn't get out of whatever meeting they were in until 11:30 instead of 11 so they all booked it off base for the "better" eating establishments.

We went to the Commissary before heading home. They're remodeling the Commissary so every time we go there things have changed. Two whole aisles disappeared and the Deli moved to the opposite corner of the building. Oh and there is no place for the meat men to put meat in the cases unless they come out into the shopping area. I'm thinking that might be the next thing to move. I think we're shopping again on Friday so we'll see what changes have been made in 3 days.

American Idol comes on tonight. It is the final performances. The Battle of the Davids. Sal is coming over when he gets out of work and we're having a "snack potluck" and critiquing the performances.


David Cook is my favorite. He's a mainstream rocker. Nothing too hardcore with his own distinct style. He has surprised me with his ability to make any song his own. He is humble without being obnoxious. It also doesn't hurt that he's easy on the eyes.





DC's opponent is David Archuleta. He's 17 and annoying as all get out. He has this weird smile that is always plastered on his face. He's been a favorite to go all the way from day one yet still acts shocked when he's the first one sent to the blue safe couch. Dude, don't you know by now that every 13-15 year old girl and 55+ woman is voting for you incessantly? Get over yourself.

I'm really not sure who will win. I know that DA has a major fanbase and has from the beginning. I believe that DC will have a better career and is more radio-ready. DA is more suited for classical or broadway, not mainstream Top 40. I'll be disappointed if DA wins, but I guess DC getting to the final is enough to jumpstart his career.

I heard from Brian today. He called when Mom and I were leaving Albertson's. He's almost finished with his journey back to the desert. He sounded good although he was coughing and sneezing. He blamed it on the dust and I hope he's right and he's not getting sick. It's weird returning to life revolving around unfamiliar numbers on caller ID and an hour here or there on AIM. He's sleeping right now and said he should be able to call me tomorrow. I like it when he's traveling. I know he's safe when he's waiting on his next flight to take off. Oh, Brian, I love you and I miss you.

Only 42 weeks.

S.

Some reflections about tonight:

1. I hate smokers. Well, not the smoker personally, but their smelly habit.

2. I'm an emotional wreck as I'm counting down the hours until Brian is home. I feel anxious and excited which both make me jittery.

3. Apparently Tanner and Kim are aware that Greg needs to back off. I took off literally seconds before Greg showed up. I could see him parking in my rearview mirror as I drove away. The last thing I need right now is to deal with Greg.

4. When I'm an emotional trainwreck, I shouldn't meet new people. I probably seemed like the most boring person alive.

5. I was told I don't look old enough to be married. When I revealed my ripe old age of 22, I was told I don't look that old. I think this whole looking younger than my age thing will come in handy in the future.

6. Shannon only talks to me when she wants some info. Tonight she wanted to know when Brian would be home. I told her and she ceased communication. Nice.


I hadn't seen Kim in like a week so when she called and wanted me to come by some house she was hanging out at with Tanner, I said I would. I didn't really feel like getting out of my bed, but I've been in a weird mood all day and figured I owed it to her and maybe it would get me out of my funk. I drove over there, watched a round of some drinking game and bounced. I only knew Kim and Tanner and they were only 2 out of about 10. I get really uncomfortable and not very fun when I'm outnumbered by people I don't know. I don't know why but I feel like hibernating until Brian is here. I'm going through the motions...sleeping...getting up, doing something, doing nothing...showering sometimes....cleaning something...getting ready for bed, falling asleep (not well). I know I should calm down because time will fly once he is here. Maybe that is part of my problem. I want him here and I want that initial anxiety and possible awkwardness to be over. I think it is like the beginning stages of a relationship when it's uncomfortable, but so exciting and sweet that you need to force yourself to enjoy it sometimes. I think maybe I need to stop rushing and try to enjoy the anxiety and nerves because they will be gone before I know it and I won't know what happened or where the time went. Wow, this is longer than I expected.

S.

P.S. My birthday is 4 months from tomorrow/today. Start thinking of gift ideas now! jk jk. [:

Happy Birthday Jenna & Jana!!!

I've been in my head a bit lately.

Baghdad has been pretty unstable and violent so I've been worrying about Brian more than usual. Thankfully he called last night so I know he's alright. He sounded pretty good too. I can tell when he's stressed and tired and overworked, but he sounded alright. He said he'd try to call me later, but I doubt I'll hear from him. It never seems to work out that way.

I went to the gym this morning and did 20 minutes on the elliptical on "random". I remember when the elliptical scared the hell out of me and I couldn't last more than a few minutes before wanting to shoot myself. I've pushed myself in my latest gym endeavor more than I have in the past. I think it's paying off. I even have abs of (semi-)steel.

Tiny is whining at the door and the last time I let him out when he did that he walked outside and promptly laid down in the sun. wtf? He's an odd dog alot of the time.

I have a red dot on my stomach that is worrying me a tad. Hopefully it'll go away on its own and I won't have to do anything about it.

Jenna and Jana turn one year older today. I got Jana the classic Life game and made Jenna a picture frame. Jenna actually hasn't cost me anything (other than the card) yet. I'm planning on getting her some liquor and maybe a mixology book, but we'll see. It's almost 1pm and I still need to shower. I'm thinking I might put off delivering presents until tomorrow. (This was a pointless paragraph.)

Brian's target date to be home is in 16 days. It's hard to believe those numbers even though they are typed out right in front of me.

Yesterday we had a couple major thunderstorms roll through. We lost power from 3:55 til 4:15. It's a surreal feeling to be without electricity. Keith tried to leave for school and the garage wouldn't open. I walked into the bathroom and instinctively turned the light on, but it didn't come on. The whole house was eerily quiet.

I'm so lazy. Or tired. Or something else. I really need to get in the shower and clean my bathroom and finish cleaning my room. Ugh.

S.

St. Patty!

Tomorrow is Saint Patrick's Day. Tomorrow is also the 21st monthly anniversary of Brian asking me out. When I say "21 months" it sounds so much longer and more substantial than when I say "1 year and 9 months". Ok, nevermind, they both sound like a long time. I'm not sure when I went from thinking we hadn't been together all that long to thinking it's been forever.

My parents signed a contract on the house today. If everything pans out they stand to make around $24,000. The people who want the house are getting and FHA mortgage for new home buyers which means we have to fix alot of things around the house including but not limited to peeling paint, rotted boards, and broken windows. I spent a couple hours over there this afternoon priming and painting trim boards for the house. It was a beautiful day today so I didn't mind one bit.

I had dinner with Kim on Thursday. We went to Abuelo's and proclaimed it Pina Colada Thursday. It was the best PC I'd ever had. Although, that's not really saying much considering the only other PCs I've had are ones I make myself. We had a really nice time.

Bethany was in town yesterday for Tabitha's wedding so we hooked up and did some jewelry shopping and pizza eating. It was nice to see her, but her driving scared the living daylights out of me! I swear next time I'll make sure I drive so I won't see my life flashing before my eyes. My relationship with her is different; weird. I'm glad she doesn't live nearby so we wouldn't have to face the change every day.

Last night was Taillon-Ivy dinner night. We met up at Logan's and had a nice dinner complete with little buckets of dessert. I still haven't figured out my in-laws completely. The things they do and the way they raised their children still baffles me. I guess I may never understand it, but for now I'll keep trying for lack of anything better to do.

I know what tattoo I'm going to get next. I'm going to get a claddagh that says "Io sono tua. Tu sei mio." around it. That is Italian for "I am yours. You are mine." The claddagh represents the Irish part of me, the language (obviously) represents the Italian part of me, and the saying is for Brian. I like it. I still haven't a clue where I want to get it or when I'm going to get it, but if I ever end up in Brad's chair against my will, at least I know what I want so I won't end up with a butterfly on my lower back.

I guess I had more to update than I realized.

S.

Hodgepodge.

I was able to talk to Brian on the computer for the last few days. He's back to the grind at the COP though, so it'll be a few days until I hear from him again.

We "sprung forward" last night for daylight savings time. Basically my Sunday was magically only 23 hours long. And, to complicate matters, Jamie is in Arizona for AIT and they don't follow DST which means she is 2 hours behind me instead of 1.

Speaking of Jamie, I have no idea what's going on with her wedding. I wish she would figure out when we need to order our dresses so I can make sure everyone has the funds and time to get it all done. It's frustrating. She's obsessed with being away from Justin (rightfully so) and getting everything done how she wants it, but isn't communicating with me about my "duties". I'm having Jana flashbacks.

My house is officially on the market. When I let myself dwell on it, I am overwhelmed with emotion about this. I'm generally emotional about any change, so I'm not really surprised. I spent 3 years in that house. I met Brian while I lived there. I met the majority of my good friends while I lived there. Tiny spent his first night with me in that house. I turned 21 in that house. I got married while living there. Brian proposed in that driveway. I will forever love that house and remember it fondly. I hope whoever lives in it next loves it like I do.

The eczema situation is much better. It's still a little red and irritated around my nose, but I expected that to be a problem area since I blow my nose about once a day. My face will never be perfect and it probably won't ever decide if it's oily or dry, but as long as I can go out without makeup and not scare small children. I guess all it took was disposable makeup sponges, mild face wash, and lots & lots of eucerin moisturizer.

Army Wives reruns started tonight on Lifetime. They are re-showing the entire Season 1 before Season 2 starts in June. This will most definitely be added to my weekly lineup. I remember watching it last summer while Brian was in Boot Camp/AIT. I viewed it as a tiny - although unreal - window into Army life. I'm sure by then Brian and I had discussed getting married so I watched eagerly. I watched episode #1 again tonight and realized alot of it is really out there. It's entertaining nonetheless (so I shall continue watching), but it in no way truly resembles what my life is going to be like.

I need to run tomorrow.

S.

Smoke is nasty.

Watching: Law & Order: SVU marathon on USA.

I went out last night. Crystal invited me to go bowling and Shannon came with. I came in 2nd out of 6 people with a score of 116 I believe. I only bowled 2 gutter balls. I met Crystal's boyfriend, Dusty. I think he's right for her and I can tell she really likes him. That being said, he's completely not my type in any way. I'm not even sure if I would be friends with him. He didn't try to be friendly with me. He wasn't mean, but he didn't try. Maybe he's shy. It was also weird how Crystal and her 3 friends would talk to each other around the pitcher of beer and didn't really include Shannon and I all that much. I'm really thankful that Shannon went with me, because I can imagine the bowling being much more awkward if I went solo.

After bowling, Shannon and I went to Chase's house because they were celebrating his birthday a couple days early. He had texted me earlier to tell me to come. I hadn't seen him in months so I figured I'd stop by. So, Chase basically lives in the GHETTO. I avoid the ghetto after dark (before dark too!), but we braved it. It was freezing in Chase's house and I was drinking ice water from Sonic. My teeth were basically chattering all night. Brian Evans was in town. I haven't seen him in years! He's all married now and still funny as ever. Kailea was there too. She's still fat as ever. She was wearing a skin tight sweatshirt...so horrifying.

We left there around 12 and headed to Cabaret, a bar on Butternut. Crystal and company were there. Apparently they don't believe in being law-abiding because minors were drinking and everyone was smoking. I had forgotten how nasty you feel when you go home smelling like cigarettes that you didn't smoke (not that I've ever smoked, but you know what I mean...). We sat with them til 1 when we bounced. I was sooo exhausted. I took Shan home, come home and passed out til 11 this morning.

Mom and I went to the Bridal Extravaganza today at the Civic Center. Total. Disappointment. It was packed with people - alot of them I knew - and I had already researched most of the vendors. The only good thing was that I got to meet the photographer I want to use. She was really nice and accomodating. I saw Aimee Tucker there - not that we spoke - and she looked like shit. Bad pink dress with heels and ratty hair. I guess some things don't change.

I've had to pee for about an hour, and I think it's almost to the point of being painful.

S.

TTFN Class 5A.

I'm really tired of the Bye Bye Birdie commercials on tv.

Today was a really...unique day.

Cooper is officially 4A. I'm surprisingly ok with it. I'm glad that they will have a fresh chance against new opponents next year. I'm also glad that they can get the hell away from a-low.

I was awake from 4:30 until 8 this morning talking to Brian on AIM. I tried to go back to sleep, but I had some trouble getting back to sleep. At 10 Shannon texted me about going to lunch which woke me up and then around 11 Keith got up and announce rather loudly that Cooper was 4A so I was awake again. I fell asleep for like 45 more minutes until Brian called me on an illegal cell phone around noon. I was supposed to get up at noon anyway to shower before lunch with Shan, but that didn't happen. I talked to Brian for 30 minutes and then threw myself together.

I went to lunch with Shannon and we sat there for 2 or 3 hours talking and catching up. I haven't seen her in about a month and she's always full of drama and gossip. It amazes me how young she is and how lost she is. I talk to her and I am overwhelmed with this feeling that she is confused and doesn't really know who she is. She always manages to "date" losers who may or may not have high school diplomas and who sure as hell aren't in college. They inevitably cheat on her or blow her off. I haven't felt like I could really say anything or give her my signature tough love advice yet. Maybe I can eventually, but as of now I just listen to her and hope that she'll find her way.

I applied at Penney's today. I'm trying not to think about it because if I do I get really nervous and anxious. I have enough anxiety and fear without dwelling on it more than necessary. Keith said I should hear something in a few days so we'll see.

Sal and I went to Logan's for drinks and appetizers tonight. I had my fav melon flavored frozen drink, some chips w/ queso and the cutest little brownie dessert in a miniature pail. We had alot of fun and convinced some of Sal's McM friends that he is indeed straight. I remember when I wasn't sure about him. I really didn't like him very much at first, but we get along famously now and he's been really great about trying to include me in things from time to time. He's a good egg...and a saint for dealing with Keith.

Brian gave me the green light to start the process of buying a new car. Right now we're looking at a Pontiac G6 convertible. I'm pretty sure they still have some 07s on the lots around here that we might be able to get for a steal. One of these days I'll get Dad to go on a car field trip. I really want to test drive it and see how I feel in it since I'll be driving it the most. I also would need to find out about financing and insurance. It'll be a process, that's for sure.

Goodnight.

S.

Will I Celebrate or Hate 2008?

We are officially 19 hours into they new year. I am worried about writing 2008 on everything. I much prefer writing the number 7 over the number 8. I'm quite sure I will survive, however.



I hung up my "You Might be a Reneck If..." calendar. This month reads: "You might be a redneck if...you've ever eaten a lard sandwich." I can say with complete certainty that, according to this month's calendar page, I am not a redneck. Yay!



I am going to Starbuck's at 8 to meet Leslie so we can catch up. There is a very large part of me that hates these once-every-six-months meetings. SOOOO much has happened to me in the past 6 months that it almost feels like, if you weren't around to witness it, it's too hard to explain in an hour or two at a coffee shop. Another reason I hate it: No one understands what I am going through or how I feel. People tend to ask too many and/or stupid questions that I am forced to answer. I get alot of those looks. Those looks are when someone looks at you with pity which I think is usually well intentioned, but is annoying nonetheless. Don't pity me people! I pity you for not knowing the immense pride I feel each and every time (which is obsessively often) I think of my husband.



Speaking of my husband...Mom and I made a cake in his honor using dad's ribbon cake pan.



I think we did a bang up job...and it tasted good too!
Ok, I'm going to get a chapter read in my book and then get dressed and out the door.
S.