Frustrating.

I need a good listener. A blog that can't talk back has to be a good listener, right? Ok, here goes...

Today has been a weird day. I'll just start at the beginning. I got up and went to the gym this morning. It was a good workout. Yesterday was rough and I was glad when today wasn't as bad. I burned 180+ calories and got some good ab work in. I left there with endorphins raging and feeling pretty good. I drove all the way home with the windows down. I got home, surfed the net and made myself some lunch (pb sandwich w/ honey mustard pringles). I spent the next couple hours on the computer and watching TV. Mom had mentioned we'd go out to eat tonight since she didn't feel like cooking so I jumped in the shower around 3. I took extra care drying my hair and putting on my makeup because I had plans to go to a concert with Kim and some other people tonight. I threw on some clothes and went to the mall with Mom around 4:30. Dad was running and was going to meet us at Chili's around 5:30. Mom got some clothes at Christopher & Banks and I hit up the Victoria's Secret panty sale. When we were finished it was 5:30 and we hadn't heard from Dad. Mom was irritated and just wanted to go home. It was around here that I sorta lost it.

I haven't seen Kim in weeks and weeks. She's invited me to do some things with her but it always involves people I don't know, money I don't want to spend, and Thursday nights when I have to be home by 10. I have said "no" more times than I can count and every time I feel guilty. She texted me on Tuesday to see if I wanted to go to a concert at a new bar in town tonight (Thursday). I agreed because she gave me enough notice and I figured $12 cover to a concert wasn't the end of the world. I knew exactly what I was going to wear too - a dress I bought at Kohl's months ago and hadn't worn anywhere yet. So, the entire shower, half shave of my legs, make up, and blow dry were with this concert in mind. Earlier in the day Kim had called making sure I still wanted to go. In the middle of giving me the details of the evening she got a call on call waiting from some number she didn't recognize so she told me she'd call me back. It's been over 4 hours and I haven't heard from her. I even called her around 4:30 and she hasn't returned that phone call either. In the mall when I was faced with the disappointment of not Chili's dinner and that I had gotten ready and dressed to buy underwear and then go home, I got really angry and frustrated. It seems like everything lined up to mess with me today. I haven't talked to Brian since Monday and subconsciously that always screws with my psyche. Throw into the mix that Kim totally blew me off and just didn't seem to really care if I went tonight or not and I just felt really sorry for myself really fast. I get tired of being here alone. I get tired of not having a husband to accompany me to things. I get tired of depending on a select few people for all my companionship when they have their own lives to lead. I get tired of immature friends who simply do not understand what it is to be a grown up. I get tired of holding my finger on the pause button of my life. Sometimes I want to run away from everyone and everything for awhile and just be. This is why I generally opt to stay home by myself. People are selfish creatures that really only care about what is happening to them. I wonder if Kim has even wondered where I am. She sure as hell hasn't called. It will be bittersweet when I wash my face tonight. I worked so hard on my purple smokey eye (seriously!). I worked equally as hard on my hair. I guess I did it all to go on a mall run that wasn't even necessary.

I don't think I smile as much as I used to. I smile more when Brian's home.

I think I'll put Transformers in tonight. I love that movie and haven't watched it in awhile. Or maybe I'll get caught up in a The First 48 marathon. No telling, really.

Thank you for letting me get that out. I'm really ok - I always am. Some days are just harder than others.

S.