I'm Sorry.

I haven't posted in almost a month. Want to know why? This is my 99th post. That means that the next post I write will be my 100th. I had this crazy idea to write 100 things for my 100th post. I've been "working" on this for about a month. How many things do I have so far? Oh about 15. Yeah, I think I might abandon that project.



Brian mentioned earlier that I hadn't written anything in awhile and it got me to thinking. I figured I should probably write something. If I don't I'll be wondering what I was doing for a month when I read back over these in a few years.



As usual, not alot has been going on in my life. I have busy-ish weeks and I have boring weeks. I have stretches when I don't see anybody that doesn't come to the house. Then I have stretches where I forget what my mom's cooking tastes like because every meal seems to be booked with friends. It's a weird life and I'll be glad when it's over.



I'm really confused on what I am doing with my life. I know that when Brian returns I will become a wife and a housekeeper. What am I other than that? For so long I was a student, but I am not anymore. I would probably keep being a student if I could decide what to do and if I had excess cash floating around. I'm really grateful that Brian and I are not strapped for cash, but when it comes to paying for more school money just frustrates the hell out of me. I often feel like I spent 5 years (after high school) preparing myself for life. Well, here I am 5 years later and I feel completely unprepared. I wish I had worked somewhere corporately run where there was room to advance and get job skills that could trasfer to other places. I wish I had chosen a major more carefully so maybe, just maybe, I could find a job - a profession - that I really enjoy, maybe even love. I wish somewhere along the way I had developed a work ethic. I can't go back in time so I'm trying my best to figure it out now. I keep thinking/hoping that something will hit me, that it will all become clear. I also try not to drive myself crazy over it. I have always lived my life without regrets so I am not going to start regretting things now. I will move forward and I will live my life the best I know how and I will enjoy it. I will keep my eyes, ears, and mind open to new challenges and opportunities. After all, I just really want to be happy.



Jana had her baby - Levie - on June 17th. He is now almost 4 weeks old. She came over with him the other night and I snapped this picture when Mom was holding him. He's one of the cutest babies I have ever seen and I am totally adopting him as my nephew. He sleeps all the time and isn't all that much fun for me to play with yet. I'm sure in no time he'll turn into a little terror with adorable smiles and giggles.

The arrival of her baby has created baby talk around me and inside my own head. Through all my thoughts I have come to the conclusion that when planning a pregnancy the woman must want a child more than she doesn't want to ruin her body. I know that sounds vain, but it's the truth. I know that I am not ready to have a baby yet because I am not ready for my body to change. Whether we like it or not, having a baby irreparably alters a woman's body in many ways. I may not be a model or actress, but I wear a small pant size and I have minimal stretch marks. I would like to keep it that way for a couple/few more years. I am fully confident that one day my desire for a baby will outweigh my apprehension about ruining my body and that is when I will be ready to get pregnant. Until then, I shall stick to being Brian's hot wife.

Alright, the towel on my wet head is needing to come off and I need to start thinking about sleep.

Goodnight!

S.