Silence.

I like being alone in my thoughts. I like turning the tv off and listening. I listen to the fan and the computer and my fingers hitting the keys. I listen to Tiny sighing. I listen to my own inner dialogue. This has definitely started since Brian left and accelerated after I graduated from college into the ranks of Army Wife and Homemaker. Funny thing is that the home I'm making isn't my own. It's more like a room that I'm not even that great at "making". Ironic. Anyway, I'm home alot. I watch TV alot. I read alot. I'm on the computer alot. My favorite part of the day tho is right now. The house is quiet. Keith is out, Dad is working, Tiny is sleeping, and Mom is in her room reading or sleeping. I am alone in my corner of the house. I turn the TV off and I listen. I may be playing a game on the computer or checking on my myspace, but nothing is bombarding my ears. I like listening to myself. I like being aware of what is on my mind. Often my thoughts are about Brian. If I didn't talk to him that day I am offering up a silent prayer for his safety and sanity. Hell, even if I did talk to him I still do that. If he called that day, I play the conversation over in my mind. I listen to his voice again. I can hear the stress and frustration or the simple longing for home. Sometimes I remember what he felt like. I know how far my arms could wrap around him in a hug. I know how his facial hair feels so prickly against my hand - even if he just shaved. Every now and then I can almost smell him.

I didn't intend for this post to end up about Brian. There are certainly other things I think about in my silence. Actually, for the most part, I either think about Brian or I try not to think at all. I have a tendency to suppress my emotions throughout the day. I put my worry for Brian's safety out of my head and I go about my day like normal. I put my anticipation and anxiety about his homecoming and our future life together on the back burner so I can focus on the 25 minutes on the elliptical. I put all my effort into just being normal me all day. At night, I can stop doing that. I can lay here and feel everything and just breathe. I think about happy things like what I want my living room to look like and what I'll cook for dinner in our kitchen I haven't seen yet. I have basically been planning my future with Brian in my mind every night without much input from him. I doubt he'd mind. When I am laying here alone at night, I can just be me. I'm not listening to anyone or answering anyone or smiling for anyone. I'm just here, alone in my bed, missing my husband, longing for our future, and breathing in the crazy, unpredictable, lovely thing that is my life. It would be easy to get lost in this. This being me living at home with my parents while my husband is a world away for another 7 months. I could totally lose it. I am, however, grateful for this time. I will miss aspects of this when it is over. I have no choice but to live day to day and try to make the most of what life hands me. This was the hand I was dealt and I choose to be happy about it. I choose to smile and I choose to breathe and I choose to be content with myself and my life every single night when I stop to listen to nothing but myself.

I write and write and write and at the end, I'm not even sure what I wrote. It never resembles what I imagined it would be when I started. I'll read over it to make sure I don't sound crazy, but this is my blog. I'm allowed to be crazy.

S.

P.S. Happy 100th Post to my blog!