Oh so confusing.

I had always heard tales of military spouses cheating on their deployed spouses. I judged these people every time I heard one of these tales. I had them pegged for trash lacking self-control. I still think alot of them are, but I also understand the wandering eye...at least to a certain degree. I underestimated the difficulty of being a single married woman. It is such an oxymoron, but that's how my life is. I love Brian and I believe in the vows we exchanged 4 months ago. I firmly believe that I would never actually be unfaithful to him. I know I have enough self-control. However, I do run into an interesting dilemma each and every time I go out into a social situation with single friends. I have never done social things (bars, clubs...) with friends when I have a serious significant other, but now Brian is far far away for a long long time. I can't seriously stay home every day and night or only hang out with family. I think I'm well within my rights to go out once in awhile. It's just really weird when I'm out, especially when I meet guys through other people. I happen to get along with guys really well. I'm not sure if that's because they're physically attracted to me or they like my personality (or a combination of the two), but since Brian has been gone I've met probably half a dozen guys through friends. None of them are guys I'd be remotely interested in even if I was single, but I'm my normal self to them. Well, I'm my normal self that I was pre-Brian. I wonder sometimes if I know where the line is between friendly and flirting. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't want Brian to worry about what I'm doing, but then again, he needs to trust me to be able to handle myself with grace and respect. I hope he does. Now that I'm really thinking about it, I have been pretty perfect since he's been gone. There are always worse things I could be doing besides going to the bar with girlfriends and being introduced to their guy friends. I think I've had too many jealous boyfriends in my dating career that have conditioned me to be extra hard on myself. I think I always know what I'm "supposed" to be doing, but this deployment has thrown me for a loop. I no longer know what I "should" be doing. I'm completely winging it. Maybe I should have a job by now, but I still don't know what I want to do. Maybe I should send Brian more letters and packages, but every letter I send and every package I pack reminds me that he's gone. Maybe I should start being excited about things, but the one thing I'd really be excited about is months away.

I have to remind myself from time to time of everything that has changed in the last 6ish months. I got engaged. I got married. My husband left for Iraq. I moved back to my parents house. I graduated from college with a degree I dislike and can't do much with. I wonder why I feel so out of sorts and then I think about that and it all doesn't seem so crazy. My ENTIRE life has changed and I am still totally unsure of my next move. I've been waiting around for something to fall in my lap or at the very least for a sign. So far neither has happened. In the mean time I'm living day to day. Some days are better than others. Some days I can't get out of my pajamas. Some days I feel like running far away.

I'm also getting tired of writing about this. I'm tired of feeling confused and lost. I'm really hoping it starts to turn around soon. Maybe I'm hoping one of these days I'll fall asleep and wake up when it's summer again. From there I think this waiting for 2009 thing will be more doable. Right now it's just excruciating.

Oh so pitiful.

S.