- My mom has a cousin named Daria. Her mother is Louann. They are both insane. Literally. Louann more than Daria. Daria is more cognitively impaired than insane. Dealing with her is like dealing with an 8-year-old. Daria came to all 3 wakes and the funeral with festive blue nails (in honor of my great grandmother's blue chandelier, of course!) and sparkly boots.
- My family has a 9-person mausoleum. (I'm serious...I couldn't make this sh*t up if I tried.) It was built in the late 80s when my great grandfather died. Since then my mom's Uncle Jack joined my great grandfather in the mausoleum. I can only imagine the conversations they've been having over the years... Louann refused to attend my great grandmother's funeral because she wants Uncle Jack OUT of the mausoleum? Why? Who knows, really. No one thinks Uncle Jack should be moved out of the mausoleum, but she's still insisting.
- No one had seen or spoken to Louann since my great grandmother died. It was so weird that a lot of us were convinced that she was dead somewhere in her and Daria's rent controlled Manhattan apartment. The only proof we have that she is indeed alive is that she had a conversation with Great Grandma. You read that right. Daria propped her cell phone up next to Great Grandma's ear in her casket and let Louann talk to her. The family members that witnessed this claim they could hear a voice on the other end of the phone. So, either she is alive and well or she was calling from beyond the grave. At this point, I'd believe either scenario.
- My uncle is a retired NYPD cop. He's a big man. I've always considered him the biggest man I know. That was until I saw his old partner named Bobby. Bobby is HUGE. He makes my uncle look like a shrimp and that's hard to do! Because we have NYPD ties, we got a special police escort for the funeral. Normally it's up to the funeral home to do the escorting, but we got the deluxe treatment. It was a looooong drive from the church to the cemetery and we totally backed up traffic for a bit. I'm sure a few choice words were yelled in our direction from fellow drivers, but I sure didn't care! It was the coolest thing.
- Think about the most cliche idea of a male flight attendant. He was working first class on our return flight. We were sitting in the first row of coach and I had a clear view of everything happening in first class. He never smiled and was extremely prissy when doling out things like snacks in a basket, meals on trays and hot towels. Our flight was a little bit bumpy because we flew over a big storm system, but it wasn't anything too crazy. It was enough, however, to cause this flight attendant to thank us for flying on "shake 'n' bake airlines..........................and you helped!" I'm serious. He said it, complete with the twang on the last part. And he never cracked a smile. Oh, and he was reading a book of Portuguese. What a weirdo.
- We left my dad's truck at an Embassy Suites in Dallas while we were gone. We stayed there the night before flying to NYC and took their shuttle to the airport at o'dark-thirty. We've done this before. It's free parking while we're gone just for staying in the hotel for one night. It has always worked beautifully. This time, however, it didn't. Someone broke into my dad's truck while we were gone. No one called us. A police report was filed, but no one from the police department or the hotel called to let us know. Everyone had my dad's cell phone number. The thieves bent his bed cover and smashed his driver's side window. They made off with an Adidas cap, some old sunglasses, $4 in change, my dad's house keys with a $25 key chain, and a $75 tool that my dad got as a gift. We had to clean out a ton of glass and tape up the window so we could drive the 2+ hours back home. Yesterday my dad had to replace all the locks on our house doors, just in case the stupid thieves ever decided to try to break into the house.
These are just the highlights, people. The crazy is what makes it fun, though. I can't count the number of times I was laughing until my sides hurt. We even managed to laugh while brushing glass out of every crevice in my dad's truck.
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