Just Like High School All Over Again

I feel like I haven't blogged in ages when in reality it's only been 3 days. Hmm. What does that mean?

I've thought alot over the last few days about what this blog would be about. My small forays into the blogging world have caused some feelings to stir deep inside me that at first seemed foreign. After some introspection, however, I realized these feelings are anything but foreign. It has been a good number of years since I walked out of high school and into the "real world". I opted out of the "typical" college experience choosing to live at home, work part time, and join zero clubs on campus. I would have a friend here and a friend there, but there wasn't ever a gang of people gathering together on a Saturday night for some crazy fun happenings.

My point is that it has been years since I have had to deal with cliques or popularity. I thought examining my adequacy, charm and wit had ended the same day I walked across the stage to get my high school diploma. The beast that is self-doubt has reared its ugly head in my life again over the last couple weeks. I am a semi-perfectionist and way too hard on myself. I also have a tendency to over-analyze. Perhaps I knew myself all too well when I started this blog and intended it to be totally private.

Since I decided to try to be social through this dang thing I have felt a whole range of emotions that I did not expect to feel. I felt rejected when comments went unnoticed and unsanswered. Am I not funny enough? Or not good enough? What is wrong with me that someone I don't know doesn't seem to like me? I have felt suprised when bloggers I hadn't even stumbled upon yet found me instead. I have smiled at friendly comments and felt comforted by words of encouragment. It definitely hasn't all been bad, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I am not enough. Like I am not popular or interesting. I realize that all of this is a part of life, but it's a part of life I never enjoyed and avoided for a very long time. I pushed myself to be more present in the blogging world with hopes that I would become more confident and better able to handle rejection. I had hoped that I would be pleasantly surprised by the kindness of others, which I was, but I also found that there are bitches and assholes on the internet just like there are in real life. I suppose I should have walked in with my eyes a bit more wide open.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this blogging world. It hasn't been very long and maybe it just needs more time. I sort of hope so. I guess we'll see.

In other news, things back here in Hometown, TX are going well. We still have a number of large errands to knock out this week (registering for the wedding, engagement pics, etc.), but it shouldn't be a problem. The weather has finally warmed up a tad and I've gotten my butt to the gym the last 4 mornings. I was disappointed to see I had indeed gained about 3-4 pounds since I moved away a month ago. I know it doesn't sound like alot but on my small frame every pound counts. I doubt the gym can do much while I'm here especially with all the restaurant eating thats been going on, but I'm hoping it has jump started my body so I can keep it up once I'm back in LA.

I have designated today to be Lazy Day. It seems I am constantly showering, getting ready, putting on makeup, straightening my hair, blah blah blah! Today I am going without makeup and I am leaving my comfy clothes on. I think we are still going to run to the mall to try to get B a new wedding ring (he lost his in the desert) and then we'll veg out with some fattening food to watch the Super Bowl that I really don't give a flying flip about.

Happy February everybody!

S.