PMS.

I'm overly emotional and I'm not sure why. I could blame it on that-time-of-the-month, but I'm not sure if that is it.

I think I'm mildly depressed, which I think is perfectly acceptable under the circumstances, but I don't like being unhappy. I'm starting to think it may be because I feel a little like a failure. I'm graduating in 4 1/2 weeks with a degree I don't want to do anything with. I wasted all of that money. I wasted it. I shouldn't have gone, it's a waste. I don't have any good friends and I haven't in a long time. A very long time. I'm not even sure if I know how to have an "adult" friendship. The only "good" ones I've had were in high school, and I even had my fair share of problems with those. Actually, I've realized I was harder on them than I should have been and took them for granted. I'm sorry for that now. I think I have also become a bad friend. I don't call people, I don't make it a point to do things with them. I just hibernate at home. I don't think I feel like people do/would like me.

I also don't have anything to look forward to. Nothing. I'm graduating and while I'm excited about a break from homework, I am not going to a career that excites me. I'm not even going to a career. I just got married and I can't even look forward to our life together because there's a greater than normal chance that that won't happen. I'm not going to grad school next semester and maybe I won't ever get my butt to grad school. Honestly, grad school scares me. I'm scared of what would be expected of me. I feel so burnt out on school work now and I go to a joke of a university. I'm afraid to be challenged and fail, which I'm afraid will keep me from trying. I'm also not sure how I'm going to survive Brian being gone. I have a wonderful family, but beyond that, I don't have much. Where am I going to find a social life, or one friend to hang out with for that matter. I can't even find someone to go to f*cking Shreveport on Saturday. C'mon a FREE trip to Louisiana and a FREE night in a hotel and no one wants to/can go.

Maybe I'm taking everything too personally. I probably am. I'm tired and lonely and feel like I'm running so hard, with all my might, and not getting anywhere. I feel overwhelmed with life right now. I probably wasn't ready for the grown up responsibilities of being a wife. I'm still terrified by the unfamiliar which makes it hard to get anything done. I have to worry about what is affordable and how we are going to make it. I'm afraid we'll make a bad decision and we'll have to pay for it for the rest of our lives. I'm afraid I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I don't.

S.