Loaner

When I let a friend borrow something, I expect to get it back eventually. I'm understanding of distance and busy schedules. I won't loan something out if it's irreplaceable. However, anything I do loan out is mine. I earned it or purchased it or it was gifted to me.

I'm currently planning to replace a couple things I loaned to someone over a year ago. It won't be expensive to replace and it's not like I must have the originals. I'm just disappointed in my friend for ignoring my texts and disregarding my property.

This situation has gotten me into a bit of a funk about people in general. I expect people to do the decent thing, the right thing. I know nobody is perfect and I know I can be critical, but still. It's already hard for me to let people in. I think mostly it causes me to question myself. What is wrong with me? Do I not matter to people as much as I thought? Maybe I'm a crappy friend. Don't even try making new friends - people won't like you anyway. Sick and twisted, I know. I know that I have Brian and my family and my one sister-like friend that I can count on so I'm not wallowing in self-pity believing that I'm all alone. What it does do is make me more introverted, more reserved, more cautious.

I think at the end of the day I'm terrified of getting hurt. My fragile feelings can't handle it. It's easier to stick with my books and my cat and my favorite people and my TV shows.